Issue link: http://read.dmtmag.com/i/105367
72 • FEBRUARY 2013 • WORLD FENCE NEWS Here is a transcript of an architect's voice mail system, with the unspoken portions filled in by Steve, who has dealt with his share of architects. So, imagine that you, as a contractor, have dialed up this architectural office. * Ring … Connect * "Hello. You've reached Malicious Sometimes, what's not said comes through loud and clear The subliminal architectural voice mail system BY STEVE SAUCERMAN Architectural Group and Orthographical Technology Service's (MAGOTS) subliminal contractor helpline. This helpline was established by MAGOTS Support America's Veterans! HIRE A HERO! Veterans Make Great Employees! Fence professionals, before you make your next hiring move, please consider our nation's military veterans first! Members of the fence community are proud patriots. We must do what we can to help our dedicated military men and women re-enter the workforce. Please give special attention to disabled veterans, as they have sacrificed so much in the name of this great country! But where do you begin? By visiting the web site www.hirevetsfirst.gov And please join with the Chain Link Fence Manufacturers Institute (CLFMI) as its members try to raise awareness through the Hire a Hero Program. Be recognized by the fence community for your participation! Applications are available at www.chainlinkinfo.org This message is brought to you by Dynamic Tube and Pipe Co., a proud supporter of all U.S. military veterans. to address [you charlatan, simpleminded] contractors who may have [moronic] questions, [inane] comments, or wish [preschool-level] clarification regarding our [sacred, pristine, and irreproachable] architectural documents. "Better yet … this helpline allows us to [not have to smell you while we] establish better cooperation and communication [which means we don't have to talk to you in person] that is so often paramount [look it up] in the completion of quality [yeah… like you care] and profitable [ours] construction projects for our clients. "So [you big pud], if you know your party's extension [fat chance], please enter it now." * No response * [Yeah, we thought so.] "If you don't know your party's extension [oooohhh, big surprise!!], please hold [forever] while we [berate you further and then] connect you to our menu of options: * Hold -- Connect * {*While waiting for company menu, background advertising comes on…} "Here at MAGOTS, not only is the project owner our client, but you – the contractor – are [rabid] too. It's been proven time and time again that [we are superior to you in every way and] only when a construction project possesses the comraderie and willingness by all parties to get involved, cooperate, and act as partners [or in your case, we'd accept 'homo sapiens'] and team-mates [team-mates?? Geeeeeeeez…four years of school, a new Lexus, a $1,500 suit and a penthouse office…and they team us up with the Flintstones…!] can a project be deemed truly successful." *The voice mail system comes back on….and somehow the "message" starts becoming less and less subliminal……….. * "Very good…we didn't think you'd make it this far. Please select from the following menu options. For our pleasure, we've re-routed your local call through our satellite office in Fiji so you will incur long distance charges from here on out:" * Hold * * Twenty-two minutes later...* "Please listen to the following menu options. For your convenience and understanding, we've [used little words whenever possible and] broken up the menu into the following categories: – "For a company directory, please press 1." – "For a company directory in English, press 2…["sucker!!!! God, that one breaks us up every time!!"] – "If you have questions, comments, or criticisms regarding our plan and specification package currently out for bid, press 'π'." – "If you have a complaint or wish to speak to someone in upper management, please press the big white button located at the top or bottom of your phone. Keep pushing until you hear a dial tone." – "For all other questions and/or comments, please dial BR-549 for the next available operator." * You press "2"…* "We're sorry, but the number you ve entered is invalid. But we're not surprised. If you were stupid enough to hang on the phone for 22 minutes it was a pretty safe bet you weren't going to master something as technologically advanced as a pushbutton phone. We suggest you try another brand. Perhaps PlaySchool carries a line. Please enter another number." *You press 2 again…* "The number you've entered is still invalid. Actually, all of the numbers in this menu are invalid. We're simply amusing ourselves. We've got a weekly pool going in our office to guess how many times Neanderthals such as yourself will enter totally ficticious numbers over and over and over again while still not getting anyone. Wiseguy Construction in Boston is ahead right now with 83. But the new money's on you." *Frustrated, you hit O for operator…* "What...you really think we didn't continued on page 74