Issue link: http://read.dmtmag.com/i/161202
THrive muse "I anticipate someday having an entire noodle jewelry line." I am writing to request an opportunity Dear Management how about a promotion for mom? By Jenny Fiore Illustration by Alison McDole 32 brava magazine | september 2013 to meet with you to review my position with this firm. I feel the timing is appropriate, because I have been at this job for five years without a promotion. To boot, I have been working pro bono. I received my current position based, apparently, on the seven babysitting nights I had between the years of 1984 and 1989, one of which included me surviving a stabbing in the arm with a sharpened pencil wielded by a psychotic 2-year-old. Between that and my own personal desire to bear children, I believed I could do this job. Apparently, you did, too. Thank you for your trust. Since taking the job, I feel I've more than proven myself. Excepting the Great Ancora Coffee Shop Episode of January 2009, I have successfully taken responsibility for all bodily fluids released from all orifices of two small human beings. In the course of my work, I have sewn miniature ball gowns from swimsuit fabric. I have eaten cheese-filled hotdogs. I have refrained from gagging while cleaning up stew barf. I have sewn drapes. I have wiped, scrubbed, sniffed and dug out from under my fingernails all manner of defacatory substances. I have clarified grave confusion on a wide range of topics, from labia to secondary colors to death. I have used my breasts and body to triple the size of two small human beings. My knowledge and skill in the Imaginative Arts is unparalleled, as evidenced by the 673 (and counting) original stories I have told, including today's installment in the Koka and Goldsash series featuring two fist-sized kittens. Sir, my God, I have played "My Little Pony." I have demonstrated an ability to work independently and take initiative. (I refer you to the 15 months I spent as a single parent while my husband was deployed, as well as the offer I made yesterday to make a crafting afternoon out of white tennis shoes, a glue gun, small gems and glitter glue.) I regularly put in long days, weekend work and "on-call" work. My commitment to this job is obvious, as evidenced by the 85-minute bedtime fiasco I championed last night as well as by this morning's episode involving my spitter-upper being allowed to bite my tongue after eating. (Everything into the mouth, right?) I would like you to know that I view my future as a mom very positively. I want to continue to make noodle necklaces. I anticipate someday having an entire noodle jewelry line. My relationship with boogers remains in the developmental phase, but I assure you, is not being neglected. I am confident that you will sincerely consider my request for a promotion. Based on the birth of my second child seven months ago, I have been led to believe that you are satisfied with my work. Wait, was that the promotion? Mother of Two? If so, might I suggest you carrot me along with a more systematic reward system, perhaps using badges (e.g., a Master of Colic badge) or a bit of flair (e.g., an "I Survived Projectile Diarrhea!" button)? I look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely, Mom Excerpted from the book "After Birth: Unconventional Writings from the Mommylands," with permission from Possibilities Publishing Company.