August 2012

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laugh It's the Heat, the Humidity, and the Stupidity By Laura J. Gallagher Things that annoy me to significantly larger degrees than they should: When you get on the elevator on the top floor of a building to go down, and someone's already on the elevator. They usually say something like, "Ha ha, just riding up and down for fun," but what are they really doing? I mean, if you got in an elevator that you thought was going down, and it was really going up, wouldn't you quickly punch the button for the next floor instead of riding it until whenever? Especially if you were alone? And if you're not alone, what's more embarrassing, quickly punching a button for the next floor and getting out to try again, or riding the thing to the top floor and then not getting out, so as everyone else exits you end up standing there like the crazed (but stylish) killer in a 1970s Brian DePalma movie? You might as well have a shiny knife and breathe heavily, 'cuz I am gonna look at you weird. The way my husband hears one word in a sentence, doesn't lis- ten to the rest, and then acts like he just misheard me: "Is Mike's party this Saturday or next?" "Five o'clock." "What?" "Oh, I thought you said, 'What time is Mike's party?'" "Sure you did." How so many websites insist on getting your email address be- fore they'll give you any information just so they can bug you until the Web explodes. I was looking to see how much plane tickets to Belfast in late August were going to cost. (Answer: A lot.) Just looking, just Belfast, just late August. I'm now inundated with emails offering cheap flights to, like, Miami at Christmas. 'Cuz that's pretty much the same thing. " " Really, can I? Walk? In the crosswalk? With the signal? Like it's my turn? And you'll be so kind as to not hit me? The fact that at virtually every workplace, coffee is free but soda is an hour's pay. And the machine's two floors away. And out of everything but Diet Mr. Pibb. And refuses anything but dol- lar bills that are so crisp you could shave with them. They might as well have snooty French accents—"Thees ees not real mooney, it has a small wreenkle! Unacceptable! Ptoo!" How every USA Network show follows the same basic pattern: Ridiculously good-looking lead (if it's a female, she can weigh no more than 95 lbs.) who "doesn't play by the rules" in whatever profession he or she is in. Same-sex, older mentor who both reins lead in and eggs lead on. Ridiculously good-looking opposite-sex "sparring partner" who will eventually become love interest. An- other opposite-sex character who is complete opposite of lead and therefore eeeviiil. You can tell these shows by the fact that they're all titled "Adjective/Adverb Noun." "Burn Notice." "Fairly Le- gal." "Necessary Roughness." "Common Law." "White Collar." Annoyed Viewer. People who act like they're doing you a favor when it's really just common courtesy. I walk a lot, so of course, I cross streets and deal with traffic. I was waiting for the walk light at one inter- section when a guy pulls up in the lane next to me, wanting to turn right. He's looking left, and only left, waiting for a break in the traffic. I get the walk signal just as he gets a chance to turn. Hav- ing not looked right, at all, ever, apparently, he practically plows into me as I enter the street. You know, with the walk signal. He stops, shoots me an annoyed look, then begrudgingly does the wavy-hand thing that's the international gesture for "go ahead." Really, can I? Walk? In the crosswalk? With the signal? Like it's my turn? And you'll be so kind as to not hit me? Thanks, mister, you're swell! "Tell your doctor if you have [medical condition] before start- ing [drug for other medical condition]." Shouldn't your doctor know that? You (for convenience): Hey doc, I seem to be losing my nose hair at an alarming rate! Doctor: There's a brand new drug for that, called GoofyCrap- ThatSoundsLikeSomethingPeopleInMyNeighborhoodWould- NameTheirKid. You: You know I have heart disease, right? Doctor: Wait, no, what? Why didn't you tell me?! Say, do you have a crisp $5 for the soda machine? Laura J. Gallagher is a long-time communications professional. When not teasing her husband, Triple M's Pat Gallagher, she is on Facebook at the Laura J. Gallagher page! ••• 80 BRAVA Magazine August 2012

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