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January 2017

Overdrive Magazine | Trucking Business News & Owner Operator Info

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VOICES 6 | Overdrive | January 2017 It's a little-known fact that Capt. Lu- cifer Von Ahab was the fi rst person in recorded history to adopt the practice of "lumping" – or, as it's commonly referred to in any instance other than the unloading of freight, "extortion." Capt. Lucifer terrorized the Southern seas during the heydays of piracy. His terrifying fl ag became fodder for nightmares of cargo ship captains far and wide. Scuttlebutt at every port whispered of horrors such as being detained for days at a time, afl oat at sea, waiting for Capt. Lucifer to have an open rope to throw over the bow and commence his heinous pirating. Recently unearthed reports given to the British Navy describe this har- rowing account of Capt. John Jacob Brake and his encounter with the pilfering pirate. Captain's log, Stardate 1736: Our ship was lured to the aid of the nefarious Capt. Lucifer Von Ahab with a false appointment time, and we were snared in the grasp of his safety ropes before he viciously raised the Grocery Warehouse fl ag. I made the mandated Qualcomm alert, and my crew and I laid in for what was to be a 26-hour wait. Capt. Lucifer fi nally boarded the vessel, took inventory of our cargo hold and informed me there would be a charge to unload the contents of my ship. My protests – that he had not only lured us to moor with false appointment times but also was the pirate who desired our cargo and should therefore shoulder the burden of the labor cost himself – were met with the suggestion that I go pound sand and fi nd the three hundred quid it was going to cost me to have the ship unloaded. I off ered to have my own crew unload the cargo, just to be free of the safety ropes and avoid the exor- bitant and ridiculous costs. The off er was met with requests for wizardry and black magic Von Ahab called "insurance," which requires interven- tion from the Holy Father himself to initiate or circumvent. We not only were forced to surrender our cargo, but myself and the crew also were forced to empty our company parrot fund and since have had to put our resident ship Macaw on permanent layoff status. Capt. Brake survived his near-bankruptcy experience and went on to perfect a mechanism for wind-powered ships that involved a blast of counter-balanced air into the sails that slowed heavily laden vessels quickly. It also made an awesome noise that was banned in residential areas along the trade routes. His obituary simply read, "Screw you, Bimini, do you want me to come in hot, or quiet?" Capt. Lucifer Von Ahab's practices went on to be adopted by various shady institutions, including almost every villain in the Marvel Com- ics archive, but are recognized as fully sanctioned and legal only in the trucking industry. Wendy Parker chronicles her journey on the road with her owner-operator husband, George, in the George and Wendy Show blog on OverdriveOnline.com. Scan the QR to read more from her on your phone or tablet. A brief history of dockside extortion " The powerful Interstate Commerce Commission was to investigate the practices of lumping. They were never heard from again, and rumor has it are stuck somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle. " — Kurt Keilhofer, via OverdriveOnline.com " I'd rather throw a full lumber tarp in a 50-mph wind than mess with one lumper, or dock foreman, 'cause the tarp is smarter! " — Tdktrans, via OverdriveOnline.com I chose mutiny over surrender: The only grocery seas I sail are drop and hook, not dock and crook! Arrgggh! — Loose Cannon, via OverdriveOnline.com

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