Issue link: https://read.dmtmag.com/i/100910
laugh ��� ��� ��� a few days ago Mama Laura came home muttering ���friggin��� holidays,��� ������hate people,��� ���oh God, my column,��� and ���bourbon.��� It���s a Dog���s Life By Guest Columnist Nola J. Gallagher Hi. How are you? This is Nola Gallagher, Greyhound extraordinaire, filling in for my mama-person this month. A few days ago Mama Laura came home muttering ���friggin��� holidays,��� ������hate people,��� ���oh God, my column,��� and ���bourbon.��� She sounded stressed out, and had left the laptop on, so I figured I���d help her out. It took me a while to get the hang of working all the little keys because my toes are shaped like Cheetos, but all in all it doesn���t seem ���tooo harf.��� First off I���d like to say that: I AM STARVING. Seriously. They never feed me. EVER. I mean, sure, I get a bowl of dry and canned food twice a day, plus a treat every time I come in from going outside (I���d like to thank Papa Pat for starting that), plus the empty jars and containers they let me lick, pizza crusts, and random bits of whatever they���re eating for dinner, but honestly, I AM STARVING! Besides my completely justified hunger, what else would you like to know about me? I am 8 years old in people years, and have been living the high life here at Stately Gallagher Manor since before I was 2. When people meet me they always ask if I ���raced,��� which I assume refers to that weird running-in-a-circle thing that these people in Iowa made me do that I did not like because there were sooo many other things happening and I have no attention sp ��� SQUIRREL! Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, people���that���s what they���re called, right? People always ask my Mama and Papa if they ���rescued��� me. They both say ���yes,��� but Papa leaves it at that while Mama adds things like ������ from a 64 BRAVA Magazine January 2013 burning building��� or ������ from a Columbian drug cartel,��� which I understand is something called sarcasm and something people say Mama could ease up on once in a while. Aside from Mama and Papa, I also live with two smaller furry things and one weird-looking thing in a cage that I do not get at all. The furry things are called cats, I think? Or maybe kitters, pusspuss, moochie faces, or get-off-me-already? The one named Ruby and I are good friends. We do this trick where she walks under me and then we both look up at Mama and Papa all ���Ta Dah!��� She also likes to smell my eyeball, which is very weird, but she lets me sniff her backside for as long as I like, so we���ve got our own little groove going on. The other one, Zander, is full of it, quite frankly. He pretends he doesn���t like me, but his ���swipes��� at me are really weak and clawless and not even close, and he lets me eat from my food dish while he���s drinking from the water dish right next to it. As far as my day goes, it usually starts around 5:30 a.m., when I really have to go to the bathroom. Potty is immediately followed by breakfast, and then it���s time for my mid-morning nap. That nap is interrupted by a few more potty breaks, until it���s time for Mama to go to work and me to ���kennel up.��� I have to get the blankets in my kennel just right, sometimes using all four feet and my head, before I really get down to the business of sleeping the day away. It���s not as easy as it looks. Napping is exhausting. When Mama and Papa come home, there���s more outside time, then what they laughingly call ���dinner,��� sometimes a walk, and then more naps, but this time in various places around the house to ensure that everyone who comes over knows that I live here, have fur, and would like them to have some as well. I get lots of smooches and scratches, and if 22 hours of sleep has been enough for me that day, we play with my toys until I decide I���m done and go lay back down. It���s a very nice life. Other than the fact that: I AM STARVING!! ��������� Laura J. Gallagher is a long-time communications professional. When not teasing her husband, Triple M���s Pat Gallagher, she is on Facebook at the Laura J. Gallagher page!