Issue link: https://read.dmtmag.com/i/118258
laugh " " This feels like one of those breakups that takes forever and you have to go to like, two more weddings together because you already RSVP'd, went in on a gift, and don't want a chicken dinner to go to waste. Bad pun Advisory: Breaking up is "Card" to Do By Laura Gallagher So, yeah, my unemployment and big medical bills of a few years ago led us to some credit card debt, which we've been diligently paying off. We recently said, "Here's a check, later, gator," to three cards, which felt great, and has also led to some seriously amusing reactions from huge corporations. What's funny is that all three are taking different approaches to getting our business back, and they all seem to match up with different ways people handle breakups. Granted, I don't have a lot of dating experience seeing as how I've been with Pat since you had to get up and walk across the room to change the channel on the TV. But I do have friends, books, a television and the World Wide Web, so I've seen how these things can go. And the similarities are obvious. 1. The After-All-We've-Been-Through?-Is-There-AnythingI-Can-Do?: This is what we're getting from our oldest card. It's treated us like crap for years, ignoring emails and calls, randomly changing payment due dates and overreacting to perceived slights. A few days after we sent them the glorious check, we get a letter stating what valued customers we were (After all, hadn't they awarded us Diamond Platinum Preferred Plus status? Doesn't that mean anything to us?) and asking what it was we were looking for in a card, because they were sure they could provide it. Would we like more credit? Lower interest rates? Well, in the grand scheme of things, yes, but from you guys, no. Go peddle your almost-Western Sky-level* APR somewhere else. 80 BRAVA Magazine April 2013 (*You've all seen those ads, right? The non-threatening yet ethnic-enough American Indian woman offering to put $10,000 in your checking account overnight? Have you seen the small-print interest rate? 89% is the lowest APR.) Anyway, card No. 1 retaliated by charging us one more round of "credit protection" and interest on it ($1.76). That's kinda like going back to pick up all the CDs you left at his place and swiping his copy of Elvis Costello's "This Year's Model" while you're at it. 2. The You-Don't-Really-Mean-That: This company refuses to believe that our zero balance and "please cancel our account" letter means that we don't owe them any money and we want to cancel our account. I used to get emails from them once a month acknowledging our payment. Now, it's almost daily, touting new "rewards," "extra savings" and "bonus days." We just got something in the mail telling us about all the exciting new changes to one of their programs that we, as card members (and WTH does that mean?), have been enjoying for years. All in the present tense. Like we're still doing this. This feels like one of those breakups that takes forever and you have to go to like, two more weddings together because you already RSVP'd, went in on a gift, and don't want a chicken dinner to go to waste. 3. The Fine-See-If-I-Care: This is my favorite. We got a confirmation letter saying, "Your account is closed." When I went to the website to be sure we didn't owe them $1.76, it said, "Your account is closed." No number to call if we had questions, no hopeful little "Total Credit Limit: How Much You Want?" It's like getting your college sweatshirt back in the mail with no note, or being quietly blocked on Facebook. We also quietly broke up with the "health insurance" company that put us so far in the hole as well, and they're playing the You'llNever-Find-Anyone-Else card. We're already looking at china patterns and registering at Williams-Sonoma, buddy. And, with these "breakups," just like with actual breakups, we got to shred stuff! ••• Laura J. Gallagher is a long-time communications professional. When not teasing her husband, Triple M's Pat Gallagher, she is on Facebook at the Laura J. Gallagher page!