World Fence News

32 • JANUARY 2020 • WORLD FENCE NEWS "The ultimate in boring and fencing equipment." Your First Source for Quality AMERICAN-MADE FENCE PRODUCTS! Providing Quality Hardware to the Industry for 50 Years HDG and Powder Coated Fittings Call for a free catalog 800.891.2235 • 413.786.4390 • Fax 413.789.3664 info@hampdenfence.com • www.hampdenfence.com Our web site can be viewed from your mobile device! Headquartered in Agawam, Massachusetts Hot Dipped Galvanized Steel UNIVERSAL & INDUSTRIAL DRIVE ANCHOR SHOES AND BLADES • Welded Wire Hardware • Square Bands • Ties • Drive Anchor Units • Tension & Brace Bands • Line Rail & End Rail Clamps • Aluminum Loop Caps, Post Caps & Rail Ends • Custom Items Available In loving memory of Jim Hart, fencer, storyteller, and world class humorist, WFN reprints some of the many articles that he contributed to the publication over the years. Sadly, Jim passed away some time ago in Florida, where he lived. This column first appeared in the July 1991 edition of World Fence News. • • • This week has been for the birds… with 50 cats and a dog pen thrown in for good measure. A lady, rather on the elderly side, wanted an estimate on a 6' x 15' x 6' "outdoor bird cage." It was for a couple of macaws, or parrots, or something. Anyway, she just dies when I give her the price on the ¾" mini-mesh chain link she wantead. Literally dies, that is. She just keels over, and CPR don't bring her back. Sure, the price scared me, too, but not to death! Sheesh! The relatives told me she was like 98 years old, so I figure it was old age and not my bid that did her in. Well, the commotion led to a neighbor wanting an estimate on a "cat cage." She has about 50 cats in the house that need an outside exer- cise area. I give her a bid on an 8' x 16' x 6' cage with a top panel – 11-1/2 gauge, 1-3/8" framework. She is a bit on the elderly side, This fence job is for the birds… cats… dogs… whatever BY JIM HART, WFN CONTRIBUTING EDITOR EMERITUS also, so I tell her, "Don't take offense, but could you show me a certificate of health before I give you the bid? I don't want to take any chances ... Two in a row would give me a bad rep!" We get the job, and she says she also wants a new carport out back. Her new French sports car cost $66,000 or so, and she don't want to leave it out in the weather. I tell her I'll figure it up, but I have to go give a guy an estimate on a dog pen first. The guy who wants the pen hands me a beautifully drawn diagram – to scale – with specifications included. It's a 15' x 12' x 6', two-runner, with slab. He says another fencer wanted $960 for a 15' x 12' hog wire job, so he was wondering what it would cost in chain link. It runs about $1,400 to build it to his specs, and he says go to it. "Do you need a draw for mate- rials?" he asks. Well, hell yes! I got about 15 cents in the bank and the trucks are running on fumes. This must be my lucky day! He gives me cash instead of an out-of- town check, like the previous "bird cage" customer did! I notice he has a carport like the one the other customer wanted, so I ask if I could look at it for design ideas. He says, "I'd give anything to have that damn thing down. The wife never did like it!" The support poles were a little rusty, but the roof is welded stainless steel and it's beautiful. "How much would you take for the roof?" I ask. "Get it outta here and it's yours," he replies. About now, his wife comes out and says, "So these nice folks are go- ing to get rid of this monstrosity for us!" With that, she gives one support pole a hard smack with her hand. The whole darn thing shivers. The post she slapped snaps at ground level, and the chain reaction spreads to the oth- er poles. The roof slides sideways, in slow motion, and comes off the back- side poles as they bend. The roof lays down in the yard as nice as can be! I wish I had a camera to get a pic- ture of the wife's face. Her eyes were as big as saucers. "What did I do?" she keeps asking. I ask if it's still mine, and the hub- by says, "Sure, get it out of here." Well, it took 10 people to lift the roof onto a lowboy we borrowed. I get home and figure out the cost of a carport with a wood and tin roof, add 50 percent markup, and call the "cat woman." I tell her she can get a stainless steel roof for the price of a wood and tin one. I tell her I got a good deal on the stainless steel, and it's just made to order for her. She accepts, and gives me another out-of- town check, of course. We borrow a big front end loader to set the roof on the support poles. It works great from down under, and we drive in and just set it down. I'm so damn smart I make myself sick sometimes! It used to be called "American ingenuity" in the old days. We get back on the dog pen. The customer has changed the location. He moves it off a grassy area to a spot un- der some trees. This means we have to chop out five cords of roots before pouring the slab. No extra charge, of course. Cus- tomer good will. Bull! We set the posts ahead of the slab and order concrete for the next morning. At first light, the con- crete company calls and says that can't make the delivery – some big continuous pour somewhere else and all their trucks are tied up until noon. My slab pourer says he will have to reschedule, but can't get back to me for at least a week. This smacks of conspiracy! I swore I would never pour another slab myself 20 years ago! Oh well. I set the forms, and throw all the old, rusty chain link fab- ric I was going to carry to the dump on top of the plastic. Then I wait for the concrete to arrive. It comes at 3 p.m., three hours be- fore dark. We pour anyway. The mix is a bit too wet, but it flows nice and don't set up too quick so we can trowel it nicely. Then the wind comes up and blows leaves all over the slab. They embed themselves on contact. We can "float" some of them out, and will have to pick the rest out while we are troweling. (The rest we can bury). My wife, Loice, does our finish work. The slab won't hold me up, but she is 150 lbs. lighter than I am, and she makes some insinuations that I "rigged the mix" so that she would have to do it. (Completely untrue, of course). She is nearly finished when the wind comes up again – at least 50 mph this time. It blows some "air plants" or moss balls outta the trees, and they all land on the slab. They proceed to make tracks everywhere they land. Loice goes back to Square One, and starts over. She is nearly finished again when – "Crack!" – a large limb breaks off a tree. You all know where it landed, of course. It left beautiful, deep bark im- pressions when we pulled it out. It was dark when she finished this time around. She says she don't know what it looks like, and don't care. She'd had it! The next a.m. the slab is beauti- fully smooth. We stretch the fabric, hang the gates and throw the dogs in the pens to see if they would escape under the fence. The fabric was set 3" off the concrete, as specified. I've seen large dogs get out of places an octopus would have trouble getting under! But there are no escap- ees this time, not even the beagle pup- pies. The customer never did notice that some of the framework was "slightly not leve." The wind must of moved some of the posts the day we set 'em. So we just loaded the fence up with a lot of tie wires and extra bands – it confuses the customer's eye so he doesn't notice slight imperfections. Hey, guys! Send me a dollar every time you use this trick yourselves!

• Cover