World Fence News

June 2013

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WORLD FENCE NEWS • JUNE 2013 • Points to ponder – Have you ever thought about...? BY JIM HART, WFN CONTRIBUTING EDITOR EMERITUS In memory of Jim Hart, fencer, storyteller, world class humorist and World Fence News contributing editor emeritus, we will occasionally reprint one of the many articles that he contributed to World Fence News over the years. Here is one that was originally published in February 1991. Jim passed away in Florida, where he lived, a number of years ago. • • • Here are a few "daffynitions" that I came up with. You know, those things that you may have pondered for a moment, but never really gave any thought to. Have you ever wondered what you call those little scratches, dents and chips you get on your truck? They are called "fents," as opposed to "dents." The reason is, they are caused by routine handling of "fents" materials. Of course, they are not covered under your insurance policy, unless they are caused by a competing fence company on a rainy Tuesday on the 30th of February! We've been getting a lotta static from customers lately about warranties. But what exactly is a warranty? It's a fairy tale you present to customers in big print on the front of the contract, subject to certain exclusions which are printed in small type on the back that is sometimes mistaken for an ink smudge. The said "exclusions" cover any conceivable thing that can happen, of course. The big print giveth, the small print taketh away! Amen! Ever hear of a "guess-timate?" This is what most fencers give to customers in place of an estimate. An estimate implies that the giver has all the competent parts listed and is in a competitive price range with the competition. If this is true, how come the contract always goes to the fence company that made the most errors in figuring materials and labor? Then there's "Fencer's Block." This is the mental process that sometimes causes fencers to forget what goes into a fence. This is the reason they forget to figure in top rail, gates, tie wires, line posts and brace bands. In fact, medical experts believe that Fencer's Block is the main cause of guess-timates. There is no known cure at the present time. Have you ever gone out on a "By Guess and By God" job? Sure you have. It's one of them where the survey stakes are long gone, and you get opinions on where the property line is from the customers, the neighbors and even their dogs. I always go with the dogs, myself. Especially the male dogs. They know where their territory is, and that's where the fence goes, by golly! How about property markers? Otherwise known as neighbors on either side of your customer's property. They are absolutely, positively sure that the area they have mown for the last 10 years is the actual boundary lines! They tend to get violent when a "real survey" shows they have mowed somebody else's grass all that time. And what about post holes? You ever wonder what they really are? The word "post" suggests something after the fact – "post-war era," etc. Therefore, "post holes" are any holes dug after the contract is signed. An estimate implies that the giver has all the competent parts listed and is in a competitive price range with the competition. If this is true, how come the contract always goes to the fence company that made the most errors in figuring materials and labor? Here's a good one. I bet you never spent more than a second or two thinking about "post hole digger." A "digger" is World War II slang for an Australian soldier. Therefore, a "post hole digger" implies that he must be an ex-Australian soldier-turned-fencer who digs holes in the ground after a contract is signed! That brings up the subject of our old standby, the "cable jack." Also referred to as a "come-along." I've had the cops tell me to "come along" after passing out from drinking too much apple jack. So maybe "cable jack" is a fermented beverage made from rusty 5/16" x 1-1/4" nuts and bolts, rusty needles of chain link wire, assorted steel cables, and used motor oil, all mixed together in the bottom of your behind-the-cab tool box. It is given a distinctive taste by the addition of corroded loop caps and rail ends. It is very potent for first-time users! How about tension bars? That's a saloon located in a bad neighborhood, whose owner wants you to give him an estimate on putting in a fence to keep the locals from breaking in after hours. You feel a lot of tension when you go into this neighborhood to give him an estimate! You chain all your wheels continued on next page 55

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