Issue link: https://read.dmtmag.com/i/32804
It felt like high school all over again, where being different made me an easy target. I grew silent, unsure how to react. I (unfairly, as it turns out) expected re- sistance from my mother, whom I hadn’t told yet, but not from women I only knew casually. Th en one woman spoke the words I’ve come to dislike the most: “You’ll change your mind.” It’s usually said with a smile and a pat on my knee or shoulder, as if I re- quire comforting. Don’t be silly. All women want to have babies. You just haven’t met the right man yet. I felt dismissed, having something so personal treated like a phase to eventually outgrow. Th is wasn’t an isolated incident, though I’m more adept at handling the questions now that I’m older and (presumably) wis- er. In a way, I understand why people feel the need to ask me these things. I think I confuse them, because my choice is so contrary to what most people conceive as normal. “For me, life’s greatest rewards have been the result of knowing myself, and staying true to my dreams and beliefs.” In our culture, we women are supposed to grow up, get married and have babies. Nearly every toy, fairy tale and movie aimed at girls is based on the marriage- plus-babies-equals-happily-ever-after formula. Th is formula may work for many, but it isn’t one-size-fi ts-all. It has been 15 years since this period of introspection profoundly changed my life. I am now 40. I have a fantastic hus- band, a beautiful home, terrifi c family and friends, and a job doing what I love. I have everything I want in life, and I mean that sincerely. I am fulfi lled. Th ough I am not a mother, I am not an- ti-motherhood. Many of my friends are parents, and it’s a joy to know their kids and watch them grow. I’m a proud aunt to seven nieces and three nephews. I can’t imagine life without them. I’m going to a baby shower this week- end. One of my dearest friends and his wife are expecting their fi rst child. I know how much they want this baby, and I can’t wait to meet their new addition. For me, life’s greatest rewards have been the result of knowing myself, and staying true to my dreams and beliefs. As long as I continue to do so, I’m confi dent I’ll have no regrets. Cheryl Breuer is a freelance writer and blogger. Find her work at peculiar-girl.com. 60 BRAVA Magazine May 2011 impatience, confusion and doubt. Why was I being deprived of this most precious gift? How much longer would I have to wait? Would it even happen at all? I felt inadequate. I questioned my faith. I questioned my body. What was wrong with me? Had I somehow caused this? Was I being punished? I was sure all those countless days of lying in the tanning bed during my teenage years had literally fried my uterus or those parties in college had left my ovaries marinating in alcohol. As friends and family announced their pregnancies, I felt each time like I had been stung by a bee; there was a tender prick that accompanied the news. Th en the guilt would come. I was happy for them, of course I was, but this was one more re- minder of what I was without. I couldn’t help but wonder if my husband and I would ever get to experience that same joy? I couldn’t ignore the strain and pressure that infertility brought to our marriage. But the silver lining was that we really had to, and did, lean on one another. And even with the haze of personal strain, doubt and confusion, my determination to become a mother never wavered. “I could not wait to grow up and experience motherhood fi rsthand. I just didn’t know that it would be so hard to make that dream come true.” In 2002, we made the decision to give IVF just one fi nal try. On December 30 of that year, my dream came true: Jeff and I welcomed twins, Lewis and Helaina, into our lives and our hearts. Cradling those miraculous bundles for the fi rst time oblit- erated all the heartache I had suffered up to this very moment. Th e blessings didn’t stop there. We were stunned the following year to learn that I had conceived naturally. On September 2, 2004, Livia Ruth joined our family. Th ough the road to motherhood wasn’t exactly how I envisioned it, what I had to go through to get here was worth it. Motherhood is by far the greatest joy I have ever known. Waking up to see their faces, watching them delight in the world around them, and hearing them beckon for “Mama”—it is these things that have given my life the purpose I was seeking, and the reason why I am exactly what I said I would be when I was all grown-up: a mother. Kate Marshall is a full-time mother of three and a part-time photographer at kreations- bykate.net.