Issue link: https://read.dmtmag.com/i/37509
laugh My 40-Something Rules for Living By Laura J. Gallagher As my 46th birthday draws closer, I thought I’d share some helpful hints for life, based what I’ve learned so far. 1. Anyone who describes themselves as “hilarious” or “whimsical” usually isn’t. 2. Spell-check your tattoos. Unless you’re really OK with going through life with “Don’t Stop Beliefing” on your arm. 3. “Myself” is not a fancier word for “I.” 4. The only people who look good in leather pants are Jim Morrison and Robin Zander circa 1979. 5. You are not Jim Morrison. 6. How do I know this? Jim Morrison is dead, and you are not. 7. You could be Robin Zander, but I doubt it. 8. If you are, call me. 9. The Web is no substitute for human contact. But it is, sometimes, vastly preferable. 10. Whenever someone starts a sentence with, “I’m not racist, but …” the next thing out of their mouth will be racist. 11. Your kid is not as cute as you think he/she is. 12. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it probably stinks at backgammon. 13. “Optimist” is not the same as “Pollyanna.” 14. You never run out of shampoo and conditioner at the same time. 15. “Sexy” is not the highest goal you should reach for. 16. Facebook and Twitter are not private conversations. Everyone over the age of 6 should know this and act accordingly. 17. If someone tells you that he/she is American Indian, by all means raise your hand and say, “How!” They’ve never heard that one before. 18. There is no such thing as “good” creamed corn. 19. Don’t shave your head unless you’re really sure you have a nicely shaped skull. 20. Those white lines that separate traffic lanes are not suggestions. 21. Neither is that stop sign. 80 BRAVA Magazine July 2011 “ ” Those white lines that separate traffic lanes are not suggestions. 22. Don’t schedule a meeting for first thing Monday morning un- less you’re a fan of seething glares and limited participation. 23. “Reality” “TV” “star” are three words that should never appear next to each other. 24. There is no Rule 24. 25. People who aren’t happy unless they’re miserable are usually both. 26. It’s already 2011. If you’re considering doing something that’s “never been done,” there’s probably a reason for it. Nobody’s been longing for scalloped potatoes with lime juice, pistachios and chocolate shavings. 27. I’m pretty sure David Bowie has a painting of himself in his attic. 28. People who can’t bother to put their shopping carts in the cart corral should be publicly flogged. 29. If you buy the wrong thing out of a vending machine, the calories don’t count. 30. Wash your damn hands. 31. Talking slowly and loudly to someone just because they’re in a wheelchair is a good way to get your toes run over. 32. Never, ever, ever give up. 33. Buying and owning the latest technology is not an accomplish- ment. Don’t expect admiration because you have an Xbox. 34. Cuddling a kitten and listening to it purr cannot be overrated. 35. Seriously, “you’re” = “you are.” How hard can this be? 36. A tough childhood is no excuse for producing lame poetry or any kind of performance art. 37. Sweet mother of God, when will you people learn to use your turn signals? 38. No matter how obsessed with something you think you are, there is someone on the Web who will make you look like an amateur. They will have a disturbing website dedicated to that thing. 39. There is no law requiring you to answer a ringing phone. 40. When life gives you lemons, make whiskey sours. 41. Quit attributing random quotes to Martin Luther King, Jr., the Dalai Lama and George Carlin. 42. Dancing and/or singing in the privacy of your own home without embarrassment is the reason humans built dwellings in the first place. 43. If you sweat the small stuff, maybe the big stuff will leave you alone because you smell really bad. 44. Ranch dressing is for people without imagination. 45. Cheap toilet paper just isn’t worth the cost savings. 46. 46 is the new 30. ••• Laura J. Gallagher is a long-time communications professional. When not teasing her husband, Triple M’s Pat Gallagher, she enjoys reading, cooking and trying to get their dog and two cats off the bed so she can make it for once. Find her on Facebook on the Laura J. Gallagher Fan Page!