World Fence News

WORLD FENCE NEWS • JUNE 2015 • 77 In loving memory of Jim Hart, professional fencer, storyteller, and world class humorist, World Fence News will occasionally reprint one of the many articles that he contributed to the publication over the years. Sad- ly, Jim passed away some time ago in Florida, where he lived. This column first appeared in the April 1992 edi- tion of World Fence News. • • • Well, I can finally throw my glass- es away. I've seen everything! I've seen the tops of the clouds at 52,000 feet – give or take a few thousand feet. I don't know; maybe it wasn't that high; but it sure seemed like it! Yeah, I'm talking about flying in one of them things with wings and en- gines. You should of seen the size of the "slingshot" they load the plane in just before they propel you down the runway. What? You ain't never seen the slingshot? Look behind ya just be- fore you take off next time. And all this time you thought the plane got up to speed on its own! Hah! After all, you are dealing with a 200,000 lb. chunk of aluminum, rub- ber and steel that manages to get off the ground because a guy named Ber- noulli figured it all out on his famous principle of air flowing over and under the wings. We must be very trusting people. Anyway, the pilot on my flight left the P.A. system on after welcoming us aboard, and then tells the co-pilot, "OK, Sam, let's see if we can get this big S.O.B. off the ground one more time." Well, I ain't exactly a newcomer to flying. Back in the old days, I flew to California. During the flight a control cable snapped. Real thrill. That was the good old days before scheduled airline flights. The Marine Corps also saw fit to drop me by helicopter into a coupla places I didn't care to visit. And that's another thing – talk about miracles! What the hell holds a chopper up? And did you know that all helicopters have a "Jesus Nut" that holds the ro- tor on? They call it that because if it comes off, you're fixing to meet the "Main Man," ready or not! I guess I better explain what I was doing on the plane in the first place… I was on my way to give an all-expense- paid free estimate for a friend of mine who worked for the airline and who had just bought a new house. He was flying me all the way over on one of his "courtesy passes." Fencers will do a lot of strange things to get a job, won't they? Well, we hit some turbulence about halfway there, and the guy in the seat behind me lost his highball when we plummeted about a thousand feet in two seconds. The principle is simple: The plane hit a downdraft and just quit flying! Anyway, his ice cubes land in my lap while all the whiskey comes down on top of his head. I don't see how that's possible. Considering that they plane is doing about 550 m.p.h., when the ice cubes and liq- uid came out of the glass, they should have immediately shot to the back of the plane and ripped though the tail section – right? Anyway, the pilot announces we will climb above the turbulence. We come out in top of the clouds, and it's a beautiful sight – bright sunlight, rose-colored cloud tops. Yeah man, I done seen it all! It's too quiet up here. Too quiet! The engine noise is missing! We are eight or nine miles up in the sky and they have shut down the engine!! I calculate it will take this puppy about nine minutes to plummet to earth. Is there enough time for my whole life to pass before my eyes? Can you cram 58 years into nine measly minutes? At the time, all I can think of is, "I wonder what size Q-Tips Mickey Mouse uses to clean his ears?" So help me, that was it! I'm about to die and I'm thinking about Q-Tips and mouse ears! I sneak a peek out the window, and the clouds are still about the same distance underneath us as they were a minute before. Also, my rear end tells me we ain't falling, so it shinneys back down off my shoulders and re- sumes its proper place. But there still ain't no engine noise. I can see the fan turning in one of 'em if I look way back. I ask the guy in the seat next to me, and he says the plane must of picked up a tailwind and the pilots throttled back the engines. Anyhow, we reach the destina- tion on schedule. I do not get nervous when the plane makes a steep turn to the right, but what scares the hell out- ta me is it looks like half the left wing has come loose and is sticking straight down! The guy in the next seat informs me that the pilot has put the flaps down, that's all. Bernoulli's principle at work again! I get my business done and head for home. I miss my flight by five min- utes cause the private plane that car- ried me to the airport ran into head winds. The airline is very courteous, and puts me on a plane headed further west, where I can make connections with my flight going east, which will Fencer muses on the meaning of life high above earth BY JIM HART, WORLD FENCE NEWS CONTRIBUTING EDITOR EMERITUS continued on next page Separation: From the world, but not its beauty. Expand your options with PVC coated wire, from * P.O. Box CC * 3505 N. I-35 * NORMAN, OK 73070 * 1-800-348-WIRE (9473) OR FAX: 1-405-447-2830

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