Issue link: https://read.dmtmag.com/i/51669
laugh Reality TV I'd be Willing to Watch By Laura J. Gallagher I'm not into reality television. Like, not at all. I want television to entertain and maybe enlighten me, not make me weep for the fu- ture of the human race. I've got actual reality for that. To be fair, I do like "Top Chef," but that's because I love cooking, eating and learning about new foods, techniques and dishes. The fact that I get some drama—and maybe some severed fingers—along with the recipe for poulet et cornichons arrosé avec marguerites et cheveux de chat is really just icing on the cake, pun intended. That said, I'd be willing to watch: DV-Wars. Using only their remote controls and their wits, couples win when they: 1. Fill up their DVR with stuff they think they should be watching. This would include biographies of Nobel Prize winners, foreign films with lots of snow and meaningful glances in them, and any- thing with "Lincoln Center" or "Maya Angelou" in the title. 2. Have room left on their DVR after recording every episode of "Frasier," "Everybody Loves Raymond" or "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" shown in a given week. 3. Figure out what every button on the remote does. 4. Don't giggle or sing bow chicka wow wow when they scroll past the "dirty" channels on the onscreen guide. (Or is that just Pat and me?) 5. Can get their DVR to realize that just because they watch "Ice Road Truckers" it doesn't mean they want to watch "Ice Castles." Any couple who actually gets around to clearing out their DVR is declared Ultimate Champion and receives a lifetime supply of AA batteries. Real Housewives. No, Seriously, Actual Housewives. Featuring not a single aspiring singer, club owner, mob wife, nanny or for- mer child star, this show focuses on women taking the Honda in for repairs, experimenting with crockpot recipes, and yelling, "C'mon, I just cleaned that!" Sponsored by Abilify and Turning Leaf Chardonnay. " " I want television to entertain and maybe enlighten me, not make me weep for the future of the human race. Videoconference Challenge. Poor schmucks are charged with setting up videoconferences among 14 co-workers of varying positions in eight different locations. They'll deal with: No video at one location. No audio at another. A VP that clearly has some- thing better to do wandering in and out of the room at inoppor- tune times. Visible nose picking. Random, irrelevant questions. Participants that yell, "I can hear you, can you hear me?" loudly enough to be heard in the break room. Contestants will be disqualified immediately if they forget to put themselves on mute before farting or muttering disparaging com- ments about other participants and if more than two participants are "away from their desks," thus forcing everyone else to listen to their outgoing voicemail message followed by the company's hold music. Hope you like "The Girl from Ipanema." Winners receive a mug with their company's logo on it and a bland note from the CEO. What's That Smell? If you've got a refrigerator, you've got a chance to win! Categories include: Fish, Fowl, Vegetables, Unde- termined, and I Don't Even Remember Buying That. Judged by Vincent D'Onofrio wearing latex gloves, pausing too much when he talks, and invading contestants' personal space, this thrill-a- minute challenge pits you against that disposable container hiding behind the cottage cheese! In the event of a tie, the first contestant who makes it from the fridge to the garbage can while holding a leaking, oddly shaped thing in tinfoil takes it all. Keeping Up With The Kowalczewskis. Follow the middle-class Kowalczewskis as they live, laugh and love on Milwaukee's near south side. Share their struggles as they search for the perfect but- ter lamb for Easter. Sigh along with them as they constantly have to spell their last name. Feel their pain when Mikey accidentally drinks Dad's last Blatz. Join them in their jet-set travels between Milwaukee, Chicago and Uncle Norb's. Plug your ears as they insist on polkaing at every family reunion, and for heaven's sake don't forget the cabbage rolls! Don't miss the Very Special Episode when Linda realizes that there's nowhere to buy zippered pillowcases now that Goldmann's is out of business. And that, my friends, is Must See TV. P.S. It's chicken and pickles sprinkled with daisies and cat hair, by the way. Really bugging you, wasn't it? ••• Laura J. Gallagher is a long-time communications professional. When not teasing her husband, Triple M's Pat Gallagher, she is win- ning her own reality show daily. Find her on Facebook at the Laura J. Gallagher page! 80 BRAVA Magazine December 2011