World Fence News

60 • august 2016 • world fence news In loving memory of Jim Hart, professional fencer, storyteller, and world class humorist, World Fence News will occasionally reprint one of the many articles that he contributed to the publication over the years. Sad- ly, Jim passed away some time ago in Florida, where he lived. This column first appeared in the July 1987 edition of World Fence News. • • • Well, here we go swingin' thru the trees with the greatest of ease – It's ramblin' time again! There was an article in the news about a local zoning board coming down on a fence belonging to Michael Jackson. It brought back fond memories from years back on a wood fence we did for a sweet, rich, old lady. I won't mention her name or her location, as the fence is still standing (under new ownership) and it's an "outlaw." Should someone on the zoning board read this, it's been right under your nose for 15 years, a masterpiece of deception and camouflage and op- tical illusion. We got acquainted with this job when we put up about 700 feet of green fabric on galvanized frame- work for this old lady. She was about 99 years old at the time and getting around better than I was at 40. She still had her own teeth and could cuss like a longshoreman; make a sailor blush! She had chain link on three sides and wanted a five-foot high shadow box wood fence "scratch built" down the front and a short distance down one side to join onto the chain link. I explained to her at the time we would have to taper the wood from four feet at the chain link end up to five feet where the wood started. No problem, as the layout was on a rise, about a 10 degree slope, toward the front. No one would ever notice, as we also had to build some "nooks" to accommodate some oak trees she wanted fenced out, yet blended into the landscape. The creative demon was hollerin' in my ear, this one will be a master- piece! I'd already built the thing in my mind, and I suggested we use pressure treated timber all the way. She want- ed redwood, and I argued that both would turn grey in time, and pressure treated was cheaper. She informed me that she had about 66 zillion dollars her husband left her and she damn shore couldn't take it with her, so put up the redwood fence she always wanted, hell with the cost! The creative demon did three flips and hollered, "Hot damn!" We went to pull the permit, and the building department said no five foot allowed on street side house fronts, sorry! Four foot is fine. So back we goes to consult with this "sweet old lady." She calls the building department about a dozen different kinds of illegitimate chil- dren, 10 of which I never thought of myself. She says she wants five foot, and five foot she'll have. They give you any static tell 'em I'll buy the whole damn county, every damn piece of property and start my own building department, she says! I mention the fact that the county could fine me and revoke my license. "If them nitwits fine you, I'll buy you your own county. I want my fence," she says. So, I pull a permit for a four-foot shadow box. We get two truckloads of 5' x 5" redwood and framework de- livered to the job. Well, fate sticks her fickle finger into the plot as soon as we get laid out. We can make the fence 4' 8" high most of the way. "Sweet old lady" knows we got to cut timber for the taper, and 4' 8" won't look like five foot to a passing inspector, so what the hell, let's go for it! How did we arrive at 4' 8"? One end of the chain link is on a slight rise; top of the wood fence will match its height at 4' 8" along the sidewalk. Optical illusion makes both seem the same height. We are in business! I don't tell S.O.L. (sweet old lady) we ain't building a five-footer, ei- ther! We get some framework up, she comes and takes a look at it. She says, "I'll show them bastards" and walks off mumbling something about SOBs and asinine rules! Well, three days, 200 million saw cuts and a pile of 4" x 5" waste later, we finish. The fence is up, looks like four feet or five feet, dependin' on whose doin' the lookin'. Only me and three helpers know fer shure. It's stood for 15 years, as I've stat- ed. Now all of you know, too! Sweet old lady died a few years back and I guess most of the building department has retired, so no harm done if the cat's let out of the bag, now is there? Sweet old lady sneaks "outlaw" fence by zoning board by jim hart, world fence news, contributing editor emeritus Your #1 Source For Aluminum Fence & Railing Products Aluminum Handrail & Accessibility Systems www.specrail.com | 800.243.6256 SPECRAIL ® Made in USA Quality & Service AAMA 2604 Powder Coating Certified Expanded Metal Perforated Metal Woven Wire Welded Wire

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