Issue link: https://read.dmtmag.com/i/995042
56 • JULY 2018 • WORLD FENCE NEWS I (along with many former em- ployers) am pleased as punch to an- nounce that I recently retired after four-plus decades in the construction industry. There were many reasons behind the decision but suffice it to say that my main motivations were 1) I'm getting up there in age 2) my resting blood-pressure is 520/490 and 3) like many in my stage of life, I need- ed to answer that existential question that every mortal man comes to ask himself at some key time: I wonder what would it be like to live with no Steve Saucerman's quintessential corporate office staffing matrix for every mid-size, Midwest contractor office … ever BY STEVE SAUCERMAN money, no insurance, zero motivation, and a complete lack of shame regard- ing personal hygiene? And let me tell you, it's not the hootenanny you'd imagine. Not that it's all bad – there is an upside. After years of systematically weighing and self-editing my some- times – ah – spirited opinions regard- ing persons of authority in charge of my employment at a given time, I'm now remarkably free to express pret- ty much any thought or opinion that forms in my head without the requisite fear that such sentiment may come back to sabotage – for instance – a fu- ture job interview or reference. This emancipation of expression is liberating and dangerous, for it also happens that I was born with no so- cial filter, no "tact" gene if you will. I blame mom for smoking during preg- nancy. Background: Climbing my way to the bottom But I'm forgetting my manners. If you've chosen to take time out from your busy schedule (I know… just play along) to read this piece, it seems only fair that you know a little about me. My legendary career in construc- tion was – well, darn it – destiny. I knew the course my illustrious life would take at the fledgling age of 18. I remember it was at the exact moment Mary Jo Louise Ann Bittner in the Montgomery Ward ® HR department perfunctorily asked (without once looking up from her Cosmo) which of the remaining store departments I wished to work in, Women's Wear or Home Improvement. Well my dear readers, I think you know which one I chose. However, two weeks later, as a result of nebulous and unproven com- plaints against me, I was transferred to Home Improvement. Work ethic and other make-believe things Now, most men would shrink from such adversity, but not me. I gathered myself and focused on the challenge ahead. I buckled down and studied the product lines, obeyed department pol- icies and went on to become the best Home Improvement clerk Montgom- ery Ward ever had … … OK, OK, what really happened was that I: • Came in late pretty much every shift and spent the first 15 minutes flirting with the girls in jewelry. • Played with the pricing sticker gun until it broke. • Spent most of my shift spinning in the manager's desk chair and set- ting a record of 23 full revolutions with only one push off – a record that (I'm pretty sure) stands to this day. • Fled like a tweaking chipmunk to the storeroom whenever any poten- tial customer came within 50 feet of my department. It was a cushy gig – and one well-suited for my temperament – until one night. You see, part-timers like myself were mostly relegated to working only the evening shifts, when there were no customers in the store and after all the "real" employees had gone home. continued on page 58