World Fence News

46 • JULY 2018 • WORLD FENCE NEWS In loving memory of Jim Hart, fencer, storyteller, and world class humorist, WFN reprints some of the many articles that he contributed to the publication over the years. Sadly, Jim passed away some time ago in Florida, where he lived. This column first appeared in the April 1990 edi- tion of World Fence News. • • • There is an old Chinese proverb that states: "The water that floats the boat can also sink it." That applies to a lot of things. In my case, my boat took on "mucho agua" when I found out ex- actly what a recent fence customer had in mind for me. This guy who was into wild pigs calls and asks if chain link can be made pig tight. That's a new one on me, for sure. "Well, how big's the pigs?" I fool- ishly ask. "Come out here and I'll show you," he says. I do, and wish I hadn't. Let me tell you about it, and see if you would have gone out on this call! The guy lives about 29 miles north of nowhere. We follow a cow path into his place. He says we can't miss it, there'll be a bunch of kids in the yard playing with a duck. The duck ain't a duck, really. It's a stork with its legs wore off. Little joke, there. He has about 19 kids, most of 'em still at home. That explains the stork. Anyway, he says it's time to feed the pig, so come on. He leads off into the woods with a bucket of corn. We come into a clearing and there is this magnificent wild boar hog. Big head and shoulders, long snout, sabers for tusks, low slung rear end, built for speed. He musta weighed 250 pounds, give or take an ounce. "You wanta fence that brute?" I gasp. "We gotta catch him first," he says. "Then you can build me a chain link pen for him. You gotta help me catch him since you're here. I'll pay you extra." I look around to see who he might be talking to… Good Lord, he means me! Oh well, I'll try anything once! "The old feller is kinda used to people; we been feeding him here for nigh onto a year-and-a-half come next Sunday," he says. "You can walk right up to him." Hah! Well, what the guy had in mind was for me to take a rope up a tree, and he'll put the noose end on the ground with some corn inside. When the hog gets his head inside the noose, I'm supposed to jerk it tight and tie it to a branch. As soon as he chokes himself down, we'll get his feet tied. Simple! Why is it that Plan A never works, and you can't think of Plan B when you're falling 32 feet per second out of a tree? The damn pig jerked me outta the tree before I was ready to tie off, the noose slipped off his head, the pig disappeared into the woods, and I bounced five times before I rolled to a stop. Actually, there was no dam- age except to my dignity. Well, the gauntlet had been throwed down! It's war! I know I'm a lot smarter than that durn pig. I'll get the sucker! The next afternoon, I show up with a big metal spoon, with a handle about two feet long. Pigs are suck- ers for a back scratch. They collapse when you do it. You can keep 12 or 133 of 'em on the ground if you're quick enough with a spoon. This one is no problem! I let the pig smell the spoon, then he grunts and gets to eating. I give him a tentative scratch. Before long, I see his skin tighten, down he goes, eyes closed, enjoying the scratching. We got him! Well, almost. My customer leaps in with the rope, gets it tied to the hind leg I'm holding. I'm scratching for all I'm worth. However, when he said "Jim, hold your finger on this knot" the pig comes instantly alert. He lets out a four decibel bellow and is gone. Well, a trap has got to be the an- swer, then. Let him get used to eating in it, then slam the door shut on him. The customer and me rig up a small dog pen outta 9 ga. fabric and old chain link walk gates. I tell him to call me in a few days, I want to be in on the "gate slamming surprise." The customer calls five days later, and says the pig is eating out of the trap, come on out. Sure enough, there's the pig. He don't trust me, and looks me over real good to see if I got a spoon on me. Then, into the trap he goes. I slam the gate shut, drop the latch, and we got him! He quits eat- ing, inspects the trap – calm as can be – walks to the back of the trap, lets out a blood-curdling scream, and hits the gate head on. Gate clips, tie wires and fabric fly everywhere. He is gone once more… Well, time to bring in the heavy artillery and show this insolent swine Fencer doesn't know where to turn when "boar-dom" sets in BY JIM HART, WFN CONTRIBUTING EDITOR EMERITUS continued on page 52 The damn pig jerked me outta the tree before I was ready to tie off, the noose slipped off his head, the pig disappeared into the woods, and I bounced five times before I rolled to a stop. Actually, there was no damage except to my dignity. S L I D E G A T E S | S W I N G G AT E S | C R A S H GAT E S | C U S T O M GAT E S A N D FA B R I CA T I O N Gate systems and access control from concept to completion. WFN0411 Your single source provider of gates, access controls, operators, hardware and support. Visit ProAccessSystems.com or call (800) 800-3356 today. Challenge: A leading dairy / ice cream producer in Iowa needed a gate placed across an 80-foot opening to secure the docking and loading area. Winter snow and ice made mounting the track on the ground implausible; the gate had to be suspended across the space. It also had to slide east and west with the ability to withstand the strong northerly winds common to the area. Solution: Pro Access re-engineered its standard SafeGlide cantilever gate to span the gap and withstand the wind stress. The gate moves with a hydraulic operator for safe, reliable operation every time. AT L A N TA ( 7 7 0 ) 9 5 5 - 4 4 11 C H A R LOT T E ( 7 0 4 ) 3 1 3 - 0 3 0 0 C H I CAG O ( 6 3 0 ) 4 2 6 - 0 0 2 2 D E N V E R ( 3 0 3 ) 2 8 8 - 7 0 0 3 K A N S AS C I T Y ( 9 1 3 ) 2 6 3 - 2 7 0 3 LO U I S V I L L E ( 5 0 2 ) 3 10 - 8 0 0 0 TA M PA ( 8 13 ) 8 8 1- 12 0 0

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