Issue link: http://read.dmtmag.com/i/112126
intended to hurt another person physically or mentally. Schools have responded with toughersounding rules. But as Matthew���s parents quickly learned, these rules do little if they are not enforced. To improve the daily life for their son, they had to push back until the school took more serious steps to end Matthew���s torment. Through the entire ordeal, a bit of trial and error, and an unwavering dedication to helping their son, they slowly unraveled a question that often vexes parents of bullying victims: Can you really do anything to make bullying stop once it���s started? The answer is: Yes. The Parent-Bullying Connection Bullying takes many forms, from physical aggression to verbal abuse and threats, to cyber attacks, isolation and exclusion. It challenges children in myriad ways, even altering their perception of school, changing it from a place to learn and grow to a place of hurt and shame. And when it���s occurring, parents may be the last to know. ���Students don���t want to tell their parents this is happening,��� Clementi says. ���They worry about how their parents might respond and retaliate, and if the bullying will get worse if they do.��� Matthew kept mum about his experiences, which began as early as first grade when another student sent him anonymous notes saying he hated him. As the taunts escalated, it became tougher for him to keep it bottled up. He began suffering from debilitating headaches and avoiding school. That���s when his mother started asking questions. ���Matthew was a kid who couldn���t wait to go to school every day, but last year he���d say, ���I don���t want to go to school. I just want to stay home with you,������ Matthew���s mother, Laura, recalls. Sixteen-year-old Kari* remembers the dangerous toll constant bullying took on her. Even walking down school hallways became an emotionally painful experience as other students called her names and spit on her. ���The bullying kept getting worse, and I began taking drugs to escape. I didn���t want to go to school anymore and started skipping classes,��� Kari recalls. When her suffering became more than she could bear and readily apparent for all to see, she finally confided in her mom. In turn, her mom took it up with the school, and eventually moved Kari to a new one. While parental involvement can greatly improve bullying situations, how can parents detect when bullying is the root cause behind the changes they see? Matthew and Kari���s reactions are typical, says Kolleen Nesheim, coordinator of Positive Behavior Intervention Support at Oregon Middle School. Students may lose interest in activities they previously enjoyed, avoid or skip school, fail to maintain their grades, change their friendships, or isolate themselves entirely. Like Kari, they may escape into alcohol and drugs. Or worse, their anger could turn inward. ���Some of the school shooters, such as those at Columbine, were kids who were ostracized, and they got tired of it,��� says Rena Kornblum, creator of Disarming the Playground, a Madison-based bullying prevention program. ���They decide I���m either going to kill myself or I���m going to kill the people doing this to me.��� Born to Bully? You want to believe your child will make the right choices and not be that kid who causes trouble. But what if the schoolyard bully sits at your table every night? Listen: Instead of getting angry, talk to them, recommends Rena Kornblum, creator of Disarming the Playground, a Madison-based bullying prevention program aimed at elementary school children. Ask your son or daughter why they are bullying others. Inquire how they feel about themselves. Find out if they���re being bullied or have friends who are bullying. And, ask how you can help. Teach empathy: Emphasize respect and be compassionate. Let them know it���s not OK to tease others, hurt them or make them feel bad. Tell stories about your childhood and how teasing impacted you. Ask questions like: ���Would it be OK if I tripped you or called you names? What if you had a friend over and I called him or her a name? How would it make you or your friend feel if I did this?��� Then share examples of times when you hurt someone, how it made you feel, and how you made things right. Above all, reward good behavior when you see it. Provide clear consequences: Set boundaries and follow through if the behavior continues. Losing screen time or special activities sends a clear message to most kids. Teach by example: Model respectful behavior yourself. Often kids who bully have witnessed bullying behaviors in the home or in the community, Kornblum says. Don���t be afraid to seek help: Your child���s doctor, teacher, counselor or psychologist can help you ���nd the root of the behavior and take steps to change it. Believe in them: Your child wasn���t born to bully, Kornblum adds. By intervening early, communicating openly, and reminding them that they can do better, you can help turn your child���s behavior around. Being sensitive to the reasons your child may be reluctant to talk can help parents find other ways to open the doors of discussion. Your child may feel embarrassed or fear their torment will escalate if they tell. Knowing this, parents might broach the topic indirectly���at least initially. Because Laura volunteered at Matthew���s school, she learned of the bullying before he told her. She respected his right to privacy by relating to him in a wholly different way. She shared stories about her own childhood, and how students once teased her. March 2013 bravamagazine.com 51