Issue link: http://read.dmtmag.com/i/43043
1. Choose your own adventure. It could mean sex once a week or once a year. It could mean orgasms every time you're with a partner or only when you're alone. If you're a single gal, it could mean finding new friends (with benefits). The key to a truly satisfying sex life according to Ellen Barnard, sex educator, counselor and co-owner of A Women's Touch, Madison's only woman-focused sexuality boutique, is defining what "satisfying" means for you. "[Many] women haven't been taught to define what sexual satisfaction really is," she explains. "It's way more than just orgasms." To engage in and experience sex on your terms, she recommends focusing on whether or not you are able to have comfortable and pleasurable sex when you want, sex that results in an outcome you intended and are able to com- municate and feel safe with your partner. More than anything, avoid comparing your sex life (including how often you have sex) to what works for other couples. It's all about the outcomes and goals that work for you. 2. Respect where you're at in life. As the years pass, priorities change and lifestyles evolve. Your sex life does too. It's all about respecting where you are, and adjusting your preferences in bed accordingly. If you're a mother of small children, the demands of giving them atten- tion—and of having them frequently crawling all over you—can affect not only your energy levels but also your desire to be touched. If you're going through a major life change such as a divorce or separation, you may want to seize the opportunity to redefine what pleasure means to you. Or if you're older, physical changes may result in a desire for slower, longer sex than before. No matter what phase of life you're in, Barnard says if you navigate changes in your desire or your needs based on where you are, not where you think you're supposed to be, you'll be on your way to creating more pleasurable— and realistic—outcomes in the bedroom. 3. Schedule it. Even if your own romps between the sheets once resembled a scene from a steamy movie, here's what no one wants to admit: At a certain point in life, sex can't always be that spontaneous. "[Many couples believe] that it should be as fast and easy as it was when they first got together," Barnard explains. "And that [myth] is why [many couples] drift apart." Rather than pining for the old days, Barnard says you should not feel ashamed about having to block off time in your calendar or even leave the kids with a babysitter so you can have a romantic evening or weekend away. If you're worried that scheduled sex might be a mood killer, Staple says it can be just the opposite. "Staying regularly interested or motivated [in sex] … can enhance your libido by [keeping you] engaged in sexual thought," she explains. Keep it on the calendar—and on the brain—for a boost you might need. Get a room! When you need space for romance, inns such as Arbor House on Monroe Street or Mansion Hill Inn on Pinckney Street offer a getaway right in town. September 2011 bravamagazine.com 59