Issue link: http://read.dmtmag.com/i/43043
4. Give yourself space to change gears. The time has come: The kids are in bed. You're not at work (at least, physically). The dishes are done. You think you're alone now…but you can't quite, well, get that feeling going. Sound familiar? If it seems like your trigger won't fl ip, you might just need a transition period to readjust your focus toward sex. "Start a fantasy, read a story or pull a movie out, if that helps you," Barnard advises. "Be OK with inviting starters in [to get you in the mood]." Whether it means taking a quick moment alone to get in the right frame of mind or heading off for a longer break to take a bath or paint your nails, it's important to acknowledge there's nothing wrong with claiming space to get present in how your body feels—even if it's some- thing your partner doesn't need. "Men have very different triggers," Barnard says. "[For many women] it can't just be automatic." 5. Spice it up, simply. For most couples, there inevitably comes a time when sex gets a little predictable. But it doesn't take much to light those sparks again. "Some women think when they're adding variety, they need to go all out, but they don't," explains Rachel Flug, a Wisconsin-based consultant for Passion Parties, a national leader in sensual products and parties. From feather ticklers to confi dence-boosting lingerie, many easy-to-fi nd products often do the trick not just for your part- ner, but to put you in a sexy mindset as well. If you want to take it further, don't be afraid to try some- thing new, but Flug cautions against the cliché food staples of at-home sex play—including whipped cream and honey—say- ing the sugar in both can potentially cause yeast infections. Instead, reach for products formulated for this kind of play, such as enhancement gels or powders. If you don't feel like shopping for sex enhancers, see what you can do with what you already have by simply talking dirty, paying special attention not to what exactly you say, but how you say it. No matter what you try, Flug says it's important to have fun and keep communicating with your partner. In a study published in 2010, British scientists Gayle Brewer and Colin Hendrie found that a staggering 80 percent of women surveyed reported faking orgasms. 6. Fake it and you won't make it. Women have a bad habit of faking it, often to spare their partner's egos or bring sex to a speedier end. But when what should be a moment to climax often turns into your Oscar-worthy performance, you're doing yourself (and your partner) a disfavor. "[Faking orgasms] doesn't help," explains Barnard. "Because then it's really bad when you decide you do want to [climax] … [your partner's] going to wonder what happened." For some, your goal may not be to orgasm every time (remember tip one!). But if you do want to increase your odds of climaxing, Barnard suggests communicating to your partner about what really works for you (for most women, intercourse alone won't do it). Use encouraging phrases such as "I really like being with you, but let me teach you what I need to get off," but avoid harsh language such as, "You're doing it wrong." 7. Confi dence is queen. You could spend the rest of your life fl ipping the lights off or fi nding new ways to strategically hide parts of your body under blankets every time you strip. Or, you can turn the experience of being naked in someone else's presence into something positive by focusing on the best parts of your body and the pleasure it's capable of giving you. "We're pressured to be what we're not, so you have to push that away and say, 'I'm beautiful as I am and I deserve pleasure,'" Barnard says. If you're having a hard time feeling sexy in your own skin, Barnard recom- mends asking your partner what they like about you. From soft bellies to luscious thighs—you might be surprised what you fi nd out! Then use that knowledge as your newfound power to feel confi dent, fi nd pleasure and fl aunt your body in the bedroom. 60 BRAVA Magazine September 2011