Issue link: http://read.dmtmag.com/i/76514
GOAL-SETTER As the divorce process moves on, there will naturally be a world of legal and financial decisions to address. Who gets what? How much is everything worth? How much do you deserve? Asking these questions can get uncomfortable, to say the least. But rather than recoiling or rushing through, area experts advise taking time to set solid goals. When it comes to finances, that means setting yourself up for security long into the future. "After the settlement, everyone is going to be in a more financially challenging position," explains Molly McCarragher, vice president and trust officer at SVA Plumb Trust Company. "There's a limited amount of income and assets, [so] both parties' lives are going to change. Goals help maximize what you can do with those limitations." Legally, defining goals yourself and with your lawyer can also help keep you from making any moves you'll later regret and help you set realistic expectations, explains Krimmer. Discuss anything and everything with your team of experts—from custody arrangements, to housing plans, and any other type of support such as alimony. "When a relationship ends, it's only fair that both sides reap some of the return of that investment [into the marriage]," he explains. "It's not about being dependent but more about equally splitting the relationship's investment." No matter what you hope to walk away with, creating goals with experts at your side will not only help ensure you don't make legal or financial moves you'll later regret, it'll help you build a more stable future. Communicate Though you may be eager to cry on a friend's shoulder as a way to cope, there will be plenty of times when the subject of your divorce will make for awkward conversation. Yet, opening up about what you're going through won't just be necessary in some cases, it can be a way for those around you to understand how your life is changing—and what they can do to help. "Share only what feels comfortable with [those around you]," Atkin says, adding that these con- versations are an opportunity to let others know your needs—even if your need is simply patience as you go through emotional ups and downs. But there will likely be no conversation more difficult—and ongoing—than the one you'll have with your children. The best policy when communicating with kids? Honesty. "It is essential to tell children of all ages in as calm a way as possible," Williamson advises. "Don't try to hide the situation from your chil- dren," Atkin adds. Yet, as you go about your daily life with kids, she also explains that the honesty should have some limits. "Keep the issues between you and your ex private when it comes to discussing anything your child doesn't necessarily need or would like to know," she advises. Likewise, both Atkin and Williamson caution against being overly emotional in front of the kids, especially when dealing with young children who may be easily rattled by seeing their parents distraught. As much as you can, she recommends trying to keep your composure when they're watching. But, they say, allow your children to ask questions and come to terms with the changes in their own way. "Support and encourage your children's range of emotions from the start," Williamson says. Just as you should call on outside experts to help guide you emotionally through the divorce, both say you shouldn't be shy about recruiting the same help for your kids. From books to therapists, use available resources to help them navigate all the changes in their lives as well. 53% August 2012 Should you try to keep the house? According to our experts women often cling to their home for emotional reasons, even though it's not always the best long-term investment. Their advice? Look at the big financial picture. "A woman should not sacrifice a possible retirement plan because she wants to keep the home," Krimmer says. of all Wisconsin divorces involved children under the age of 18, according to a 2010 study by the Wisconsin Department of Health Services. bravamagazine.com 61 Become a Carefully