Issue link: https://read.dmtmag.com/i/642738
The Art of Manliness Continued JOBS for TEAMS | 22 www.jobsfor teams.com praise, and mostly like insult. Giving compliments is a great way to build other people's confidence, as well as your rapport with them. But if you do it wrong, you'd be bet- ter off not opening your mouth at all. So below you'll find an explana- tion for why we're tempted to offer backhanded compliments, as well as an easy rule for checking whether or not you're about to let one fly. Why Do People Offer Backhanded Compliments? What's the psychology behind backhanded compliments? I am the recipient of plenty myself, so I've pondered this question from time to time, and I think the answer has to do with our endless quest for wanting to feel cool, our insecurity about our own status, and the chance to insult someone in an indirect way. The Desire to Be Cool We receive letters from AoM read- ers all around the world, and it's been really interesting to observe differ- ences in the tenor of expression from men in different countries. One thing I've noticed has to do with how readers from varying cul- tures offer compliments. Letters from Americans often start like this: "I have been reading your site for a long time now, and just wanted to tell you that I really enjoy most of it. I don't agree with all the articles, but I like a lot of them." Letters from other parts of the world, especially Latin America where guys tend to be more unabashedly effusive, are often the very nicest letters we receive. They open with something like this: "I have been reading your site for a long time now, and I just wanted to tell you how amazing I think it is. It's truly changed my life and I cannot thank you enough for all your work." The first type of letter really makes me laugh and shake my head. Not because I expect everyone to like all of our articles, but because I can't believe anyone would expect that I would! I of course already assume that not everything we publish is everyone's cup of tea, and I would never assume that someone saying they liked AoM meant they liked every jot and tittle about it. I think the fact that people feel the need to spell out such a caveat is rooted in the desire to be cool, and nobody's more obsessed with coolness than Americans. We don't like to express unabashed allegiance to anything — to imply that we're all-in. That means we've drunk the Kool-Aid and aren't our own man. Standing a little aloof flatters our conception of ourselves as critical free-thinkers. Yet complimenting one thing about someone doesn't mean you appreciate everything about them, and they likely won't take your praise as wholesale affirmation either. Plus, sometimes it's okay just to admit to an unfettered admiration for someone. I'm crazy about Theodore Roosevelt; that doesn't mean I like ev- erything about him, but overall, dang, I really love that man. Fear of Loss of Status Many of us have a deeply rooted,