Issue link: https://read.dmtmag.com/i/642738
The Art of Manliness Continued JOBS for TEAMS | 24 www.jobsfor teams.com subconscious fear of people being better than us. In elevating another, even for a moment, we feel it some- how diminishes ourselves. So we want to tuck a little barb into our praise; if one part of our compliment raises someone up a little, the other part will bring them right back down to where they were. But, you ask, is that always a bad thing? Isn't offering some criticism healthy and needed in our award- happy society? It surely is, but a compliment is not a critique! More accurately, while a critique can and should start and end with a compli- ment, praise that's meant to be praise should be devoid of criticism. When you're giving a compliment, your only goal is to inform someone else of a commendable attribute they possess. It should be 100% positive. True criticism, on the other hand, looks a little different. When you give someone feedback about something they could improve, they'll be more receptive to it if you also offer some compliments about what you did like about their work. But the critique itself needs to bespecific. Thus, "I really enjoy your podcast. You still have a ways to go to get bet- ter, but keep it up" fails as both com- pliment and criticism. The praise gets submerged by the jab, and there's no specific feedback as to what needs to be improved. It ends up just feeling like an insult. Backhanded compliments are often given by people who want to praise someone's work, but don't want to feel diminished in their own exper- tise or superiority on the subject. Yet, contrary to what we may believe, complimenting someone doesn't change your own status whatsoever. You're just giving expression to an already latent reality. And if you're worried someone's going to get a big head from your compliment, and not realize they still have areas that need to be improved, then offer a real critique — praising what you do like, and giving detailed feedback about what you don't. Also, worry less; if they're doing at least something worthwhile you enjoy, they're probably already their own worst critic and are plenty aware of where they fall short (I'm always working on improving my podcast, dude!). The Passive Insult Finally, sometimes backhanded complimenters don't have any good intentions at all; they're simply too scared to offer a real insult, and so do it passively instead. Saying "I'm really impressed you've held a job for 6 months" is likely just an attempt to reaffirm that you think someone is a real flake. Don't cloak your contempt in com- pliments; if you have something to say, say it. Or don't say anything at all. How to Avoid Giving a Backhanded Compliment: The Dinner Table Rule As easy guideline for checking whether or not your compliment is backhanded is using what I've come to call the "dinner table rule." It's sim- ple: you take your compliment and simply transform it into something