Issue link: https://read.dmtmag.com/i/740508
This just in: Everything is banned, and what isn't banned is immedi- ately and henceforth considered offensive and/or dangerous to the entire human condition. Tawana Wannamakem, President of People Righteously Offended By Everything, or PROBE, makes this statement: "We don't like anything and everything is dangerous, unless we say it isn't." Gubmint officials hopped on board with PROBE's efforts to ban every- thing and issued their own statement: "We agree with PROBE and would like to put forth legislation to effec- tively ban every single thing. Among other things, this law will make sitting, standing or walking anywhere without a gubmint- approved bubble- wrap bodysuit and helmet a felonious offense. It will also include saying things like 'Hello' to strang- ers, teachers, bulldogs and wart-faced whip- poorwills, without first signing a contract and offering the blood of your ancestors as a token of good faith before speaking." They sealed the deal by establishing the hashtag #wartfacelivesmatter and having Kim Kardashian retweet it, twice. Cotton batting manufacturers are up in arms. Nelson Nutcracker, Chief Operating Officer of the Cotton Dammit! group, screams foul with this retort: "Bubble wrap is the devil! We need to be gently cradled in cot- ton, not bubble wrap! Where is the justice in this? We're suing anyone who purchases a mandated bubble suit and refuse to make Q-tips until this madness ends!" This, of course, set the group PETOE 26 www.bigrigowner.com N OV E M B E R 2 0 1 6 Looking At You > by Wendy Parker PROBE goes on the warpath