Issue link: https://read.dmtmag.com/i/740508
(People for the Ethical Treatment of Earwax) off into fits. Garbanzo Bean- ie, representative for PETOE, cites earwax rights and its entitlement to fair and unbiased Q-tips. "We've es- tablished that earwax has unalienable rights, and should be included in any decisions or legislation regarding cot- ton, Q-tips, or Tanzanian tortoises." Meanwhile, law-abiding citizens are urged to remain in their homes, curled in the fetal position, for time and all eternity. Norm Malguy, who isn't affiliated with any group but has a cool name, asks this burning ques- tion of PROBE, CD! and PETOE, "Is it OK to eat a doughnut?" While no official answer has been given, guidelines for doughnut ac- ceptability have been handed down and state firmly any doughnut must be gluten-free, sugar-free and plea- sure-free before it can be considered safe enough to be consumed by hu- man beings. Also, no milk, yeast or eggs, because there are 17 people on earth who are allergic to the combi- nation of all three and they must be looked out for and protected at all costs. Safety first, followed by never offend- ing anyone ever, is the new standard. Enjoy your extended time in the mor- tal coil, and remember, if you have an original thought, quash it imme- diately and go back to following the rest of the sheep. Film at eleven. • N OV E M B E R 2 0 1 6 www.bigrigowner.com 27