Issue link: https://read.dmtmag.com/i/245905
64 • FEBRUARY 2014 • WORLD FENCE NEWS In memory of Jim Hart, fencer, storyteller, and world class humorist, we will occasionally reprint one of the many articles that he contributed to World Fence News over the years. Here is one that was originally published October 1991. Jim passed away in Florida, where he lived, a number of years ago. I answered a survey recently in the interest of government statistics – federal level, of course. The test takers were selected at random by a computer. Apparently, anyone who selected Answer "C" 10 times in a row on the multiple choice part of the test was considered a self-made man, a "pick yourself up by your own bootstraps" type of fellow. At least, that's all I can figure out because that's the How do you create a monster? Start a fence company! BY JIM HART, WFN CONTRIBUTING EDITOR IN MEMORIAM classification they gave me. Anyhow, being a self-made man by government definition, I feel qualified to ask, "How do you create a monster?" Easy, just open yourself up a fence company! To help your "monster" along, you should run the smallest ad you can in the phone book – preferably a oneliner. That guarantees you will get the miserly – oops! – I mean, "thrifty trade" customers. They will call you rather than the companies with the big ads because they assume you are cheaper. These thrifty customers always had money "right before they called you." They just laid out $385,000 for a new house, and have about $200 left over for a fence around their new pool. There's never a dull moment. They can usually come up with whatever amount it takes to get the job done, once they have convinced themselves that you will be taking a bloodbath on your rock bottom price! So quote accordingly! On these jobs, you usually find a 490-foot-wide house on a 500 foot wide lot with about a dozen utility lines in the 30 foot easement where they want the fence. Under one corner Extraordinary solutions. 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They want it real bad, until they find out the price. But hell, there's enough lumber in that fence to build two houses and three or four pump sheds. Anyhow, you can figure what's coming next: The cost is a prime consideration, because they just spent $385,000 on the new house, the husband has moved up to a top executive position at the chemical plant and won't get paid in the new position for three to four months. I've heard this story over and over and over. So that rules out the "deluxe basketweave." That leaves the "plain old rustic basketweave." They tell us if we cut 200 feet off the fence, it will fit their budget and they can always expand it later on, etc. For now, it would supply the necessary privacy for skinny dipping in the pool. Sheesh! They fork over an advance for materials once they find out that buying it themselves out of town will cost more due to shipping than what we can get it for. I also mention that I hand pick the materials, but they send you whatever they want if you buy it out of town. So by letting us purchase the materials, they will be able to keep the costs down. The words "keep the costs down" are magic to the thrifty customer (or tightwads, if you will). Now, you're probably saying to yourself, "He hand picks 400 pressure treated boards?" Yep, I hand pick them by saying to the yard man, "Gimme this and that and don't put any 'snakes' (twisted 4x4s) in there!" Construction finally gets underway. The first board off the house is on the ground, but it's the last one to get near the ground for 300 feet. Gee, I didn't notice there was a 7" drop in the grade. The customer likes the idea of the "open space" under the fence, it'll be easy to mow, they say. Thank God for small favors! So here we are, we've got one side up on 300 feet of the back fence line, and just finish nailing up the far corner when an "armada" of utility trucks shows up – gas company, water, cable continued on page 66