Issue link: http://read.dmtmag.com/i/231234
58 • JANUARY 2014 • WORLD FENCE NEWS POST & RAIL FENCE EQUIPMENT • Tenoners • Dowelers • Pointers • Domers • Gang Drills • Sanders • Chopsaws • Peelers VC-04 Portable Dowell/Tenon Cutter Dyna Products 6228 60th Ave. • Evart, MI 49631 888-820-3962 Keep Up With The Misadventures Of Pete, Jake & Luckey Each Month in World Fence News! ATLAS WHOLESALE FENCE SUPPLY Barbwire Class 3 Razor Barrier Wire Manufactured in USA Universal Cantilever Rollers Round and Square Rollers t 3" - 3 1/2" - 4" - 4 Call or Email today for pricing and orders 713/772/5591 sales@atlasfenceco.com Frequently asked dumb customer questions We ran across this hilarious but unfortunately too true column in our library, sent to us years ago by a fencer who has heard every dumb question from customers there is. We could not establish the author, but check these out: Q. How much is a fence? A. The problem with this question is that we can only guess which product, of the hundreds we sell, you might be interested in. Since all bidding is very competitive, we will assume you want to spend the very least you can. Therefore, the answer is $1. Q. If I buy, when exactly can you install my fence? A. "If you buy" is the problem here. If we have the product in stock and if no one else buys between now and then and if no one on our staff misses a day and if no equipment breaks down and if the weather stays perfect and if the prices do not change before you make a decision and if you do not change your mind until then and if everything else remains perfectly the same as it is today, we can install it soon! Q. I need a fence for my nine children; what would you recommend? A. Birth control. Q. Do you give free estimates? A. Yes! We have dedicated employees who have agreed to work for no salary and car dealers who have donated brand new cars for us to use to go to your house. Exxon has set aside thousands of gallons of free gasoline for us to drive to these estimates. The paper and measuring wheel for your estimate was donated by local companies. We only ask that you request the same thing of at least 10 other fence companies, as you seek the lowest possible price for your 50 feet of fence. Q. If I buy fence to install myself and decide the job is too hard, will you take back the materials and return my money? A. Absolutely, if we are suffering from sunstroke and are delirious at the time you call. You may also choose to go ahead and pay us the unreasonably high fee that we originally quoted you for installing it, which you thought it was going to be a day at the beach. Q. I would like to start a fence business. There is not much information available. Could you tell me how to go about it? A. Why, of course! And while we're at it, would you like to have my wife, my dog and my pickup truck also? Q. I ordered and paid in advance for a special latch from your competition. They are messing me around. If your price is competitive and I can get my money back, I will order it from you. Please call. A. Sorry, I missed my chance. See, I hurried so recklessly to get to the phone to call you long distance, so I could make 37 cents minus the long distance call, that I broke my leg. What kind of latch was that, anyway? Q. Could you come out to my home and give me a quote? I must warn you, I am shopping with everybody within a 200 mile radius of my home and you have to beat their prices. A. Thanks for the warning, and I'm glad I qualified by being only 198 miles from your house. I would hate to waste your time, so I will quote that job right now over the phone. No, I don't need measurements – $267,121 will cover it for sure. How did I do? Q. Hi! This is Joe. (He's my next door neighbor.) What are you doing? A. Did you just call me on my toll free 800 number? Yes. Did you know that I pay for this call, and all you have to do is call our local number? No. I thought 800 numbers were toll free for you. Q. How much do you charge to drill post holes? A. How many do you have? Thirty? Oh, now there are only 29; you have dug one yourself already? Was it like really hard digging, a lot of roots or rock or just really hard ground? Oh, it was the hardest ground. It had roots and rock. I just couldn t believe it. It's just too hard for me. OK. We charge about $125 per hole. Q. Where do you buy your fence materials, and can you give me their number? A. We buy from a lot of places and we manufacture some styles. Would you like to see the prices we pay, and our gross profit margin also? Maybe you would like to have some of our key employees' wage scales and their phone numbers. You might be able to steal them from us. Oh what the heck, just stop by some day and you can snoop through our computers, our accounting and some of our company marketing strategies. Sit in on a company executive meeting while we discuss new product releases and pricing strategy. Visit the World Fence News Crew at FENCETECH 2014, Booth 708! Get your special WFN name tag lanyard! March 6–8, 2014 • Mandalay Bay Resort and Convention Center, Las Vegas