Issue link: https://read.dmtmag.com/i/740514
ViewPoint T his just in: Everything is banned, and what isn't banned is imme- diately and henceforth considered offensive and/or dangerous to the entire human condition. Tawana Wanna- makem, President of People Righteously Of- fended By Everything, or PROBE, makes this statement: "We don't like anything and everything is danger- ous, unless we say it isn't." Gubmint offi cials hopped on board with PROBE's efforts to ban everything and issued their own statement: "We agree with PROBE and would like to put forth legislation to effec- tively ban every single thing. Among other things, this law will make sitting, standing or walking anywhere without a gubmint-approved bubble-wrap bodysuit and helmet a felonious offense. It will also include saying things like 'Hello' to strangers, teachers, bulldogs and wart- faced whippoorwills, without fi rst sign- ing a contract and offering the blood of your ancestors as a token of good faith before speaking." They sealed the deal by establishing the hashtag #wartfacelivesmatter and having Kim Kardashian retweet it, twice. Cotton batting manufacturers are up in arms. Nelson Nutcracker, Chief Operating Offi cer of the Cotton Dam- mit! group, screams foul with this retort: "Bubble wrap is the devil! We need to be gently cradled in cotton, not bubble wrap! Where is the justice in this? We're suing anyone who purchases a mandated bubble suit, and refuse to make Q-tips until this madness ends!" This, of course, set the group PETOE (People for the Ethical Treatment of Earwax) off into fi ts. Garbanzo Beanie, representative for PETOE, cites earwax rights and its entitlement to fair and unbiased Q-tips. "We've established that earwax has unalienable rights, and should be included in any decisions or legislation regarding cotton, Q-tips or Tanzanian tortoises." Meanwhile, law-abiding citizens are urged to remain in their homes, curled in the fetal position, for time and all eternity. Norm Malguy, who isn't affi li- ated with any group but has a cool name, asks this burning question of PROBE, CD! and PETOE, "Is it OK to eat a doughnut?" 52 November 2016 BestDriverJOBS www.bestdriverjobs.com PROBE goes on the warpath By Wendy Parker