Issue link: https://read.dmtmag.com/i/351182
60 • august 2014 • world fence news In remembrance of longtime World Fence News contributing editor Jim Hart, we will occasionaly reprint some of his articles from past issues. Here is one of his classics from Octo- ber 1992. Sadly, Jim passed away a number of years ago, but his unique fence humor lives on. • • • Strange things are afoot around here! We traded in our not-so-old TV console floor model on a new state- of-the-art model with remote control box! I've found myself a new hobby that developed from the remote con- trol box – starting the computer-con- trolled engines of certain late model cars from my living room with the re- mote control box! All right! The cars it works on are 1987 and above models, I won't mention which ones. But I suspect the manufacturer by now realizes it has a big problem. No kidding! It won't, however, operate garage doors or electric gates, although I'm sure some of our electronics whizzes could rearrange the components to get Joking about profitable fence job ain't funny! by jim hart, wfn contributing editor emeritus it to do that. The thing scares me, actually. There is only one screw holding it together. That means there is a huge spring just waiting for some fool to loosen that screw so it can pop out! I been there before, on a washing machine control box. One screw, bo- ing! The guts of the box sprayed all over the place, and it cost me 75 bucks for a new one! I damn sure ain't gonna rock this boat! Our other state-of-the-art piece of equipment is the telephone answering machine. It also started acting up the other day. All it was recording was hang-ups. I usually put a humorous message on it, and people tell me they sometimes call just to hear my com- ment for the day. Course, none of 'em want a fence, just a laugh. We got room on the answering machine for 197 messages. It's dis- couraging to hear 197 clicks – Beep! Beep! Beep! times 197. So! I changed tactics. I announced in a somber voice that "God was going to punch my ticket if someone didn't buy a fence real soon!" Boy, this one got good results! Ev- ery message slot was filled. However, they all said, in one way or another, "Have a good trip!" I sometimes wonder if there is re- ally intelligent life out there. I left this message on for three days. My heart stopped on the third day when a sexy female voice was on message No. 197. She said she wanted 900 feet of five-foot chain link, four corners, four ends, two 14-foot dou- ble drives, and that she would have the material money ready. How soon could we get there? Beep! Beep! Click! The damn tape starts rewinding! That's when my heart stopped – no name, no phone number! Sheesh! I figure it is one of the guys at one of the other local fence companies playing a joke on me. It sounded like one of 'ems wife. I don't lose no sleep over it. But I dream all night that I'm trying to put up a five-foot fence but can't get it lined out. I'm dog tired when I wake up! The first call in the morning is the sexy voice once more. She says could we make it out there by 11 a.m.? I manage to blurt out, "Sure, where are you located?" before the line goes dead. A car knocked over a telephone terminal box up the street. Two hours later the box is re- paired, and I sit by the phone, hoping she will call again. Nothing! If this is a damn joke it's startin' to get real unfunny. I put the recorder on and go out to the yard. The phone rings, the record- er comes on, and it's "sexy" again. She says she forgot to give us her address. But she hangs up again before I can get to the phone!! Arrgghhhhh! This has gone too far. Too far! I wander back out into the yard, the phone rings again, and damned if it ain't "sexy" once more. I bust in on the recorder, and holler "Don't hang up!" She hangs on this time, and asks if today is the day "the Big Man is go- ing to punch my ticket?" I tell her if I miss getting her name and address this time, I'll probably beat him to the punch. She says she is sorry about the Phone: 301-334-9100 Fax: 301-334-7846 www.cpalmerdiecastinginc.com • Many items in stock - caps, finials, rings, wall mounts, column bases ….. • Custom made parts • Short volume runs • In-house tool & die shop continued on page 67 I got to do something about our image – can't let people go around thinking we are fair people. We're fencers; we're supposed to be sneaky and devious, right? (Just kidding, ya'll. No letter bombs, please.)