Issue link: http://read.dmtmag.com/i/875930
world fence news • october 2017 • 37 Lately, I've been thinking about goals. Not my goals, of course; I'm pretty much perfect. (It's a curse.) I have noticed, however, that you (everyone, collectively, except me) seem to need a lot of help, so it's a good thing I'm here. The goals to which I refer are those nagging, nebulous life objec- tives that latch on to your subcon- scious much the same way the slimy, squid-like thing attached itself to that poor sap's face in the movie "Alien", except setting goals isn't as much fun. Actually, to be fair, that bursting- out-of-the-chest-thing probably felt a little below average, so maybe it all evened out in the end. But I digress..... Goals: A scientific perspective Goals can be broken down into two basic categories: Personal and professional. Common personal goals include losing weight, stopping smok- ing, finishing that time travel machine, writing fewer love letters to Angelina Jolie, that sorta' thing. Professionally, goals are less obvi- ous. They can range from short-term and readily definable (i.e., finishing that killer proposal for Mr. Windbag by Friday) to something more "big picture" such as being present at the precise moment in time Mr. Windbag actually enters through the gates of hell — so you can hold the door open. Details aside, it's clear that the goal-setting exercise (GSE) is vital to achieving personal and professional success. Or is it?? (Long, pregnant pause....) The problem You see, I have a problem. (Many of our sharper readers have already figured that out via the sub-head of this paragraph – "The problem.") Currently there are scads of goal-spewing pundits riding a high- ly-lucrative and exponentially ascend- ing wave of GSE seminars sweeping across our fair nation. The problem is: I'm not cashing in on it! This, of course, is horrifying and unacceptable. I'm sure you agree. But change doesn't come easy. We have to act quickly if we're going to make things right. We have to band together (like only we God-fearing Americans can do in times of crisis) and set bold, new priorities. We need to embrace the Era of Steve. (Cue dramatic thundering mu- sic.) We (meaning you) have to unself- ishly set aside our (your) petty, per- sonal needs (i.e., food, shelter, spare cash, etc.) and put Steve first! Only then can we (I) be truly free. To start you on your way, take a mo- ment and ask the following questions: • Isn't my message – the Gospel of Reaching the goal line by steve saucerman Steve – (thundering music plays) as vi- tal and pivotal to the tired, down-trod- den, huddled masses (that would be you) as that of all those higher paid GSE pedagogues? If you prick me, do I not bleed? (Ouch! Stop it! Ooowwww! I mean it! Quit!) • If there's easy money out there, shouldn't I have it? • Won't my Netflix channel be cut off if I don't cough up on my past due cable bill? You see? The logic is flawless. I think you know where to send your donations. But beyond this blindingly ob- vious shortfall, GSE is fraught with even greater peril. In the office, the act of setting goals has become bandied about so willy-nilly that nowadays the practice holds little tangible meaning to the average Joe. Once a managerial panacea, the originally intended exercise has mu- tated into a grotesque, unrecognizable version of its former self. The act has become more import- ant than the goal. The goal itself – no matter how vague and PolyAnna – is irrelevant. The important thing is to look like you care. Throughout time, the target of all good office strategies was to dazzle the next higher level of administra- tion. Your boss knows this. Veiled in the ultimate managerial smokescreen, GSE provides your immediate super- visor with something he can pull out of his (mmmmmm ... let's see .... 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